RSS

This site

is dead.

But the owner is still not.

Stay tuned for more info.

I guess.

 
4 Comments

Posted by on March 4, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

:(

Who am I?

What am I?

I am… confused.

 
12 Comments

Posted by on January 14, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

She Said, He Said

I laid in bed beside him, with my back against him. In front of me was the wall. Slowly, I spread out my fingers and rested my palm against it, trying to feel the coldness of the concrete.

I had been thinking about this for a long time.

“Why am I here? I don’t belong here.” I thought to myself. 

From behind me he stretched his arm to reach my hand.
 
But just as soon as the tip of his finger touched my skin, I took my hand away from the wall. 

He reached for my face, trying to turn it to his. He carressed my cheek and felt that it was warm… And wet.

“You’re crying?” I suppose he was startled.

Then I took his hand off my face, held it for a moment and sighed. 

“What’s wrong?” He asked. 

I couldn’t say a word. 

I thought the coldness of the wall would make me feel better.  

“It ends here.” I said, almost shaking. 

“What… did you say?” He finally broke the longest and most deafening silence. 

With my thumb, I massaged his knuckles, hoping it would calm him while I thought of the best way to tell him. 

“It’s not the same anymore.” I said. I could swear I went baritone. 

“You don’t love me anymore.” He assumed. I knew he’d think so. 

I closed my eyes for a while and breathed in before turning to face him. 

“I still do.”
“Then what are you telling me?”

I traced his face with my fingers. From his forehead, his brows, his eyelashes and eyelids, to his nose and lips. I didn’t want to miss anything.

But I am sure to miss every part of him.

But I have to tell him. I have to tell him what has been crushing my heart. 

“I don’t feel that you love me anymore.” I said. I couldn’t stop my tears from falling. 
“But I do.”
“That’s what you say. But I, I feel like I’m nothing to you. It’s just so different now. I wish you didn’t change.”
“I thought you said you don’t want us to end. We were not going to fall apart.”

I couldn’t answer. 

I rested my forehead against his and hugged him gently. 

“I love you.” He told me. 

“Sshh…” It was the first time I heard him say that after days of not talking. 

I ran my fingers over his eyes to close them. He held me so close that I felt his heart beating. I wanted this to last. I wanted him to be the last. We stayed like that until he finally fell asleep.

It didn’t feel as good and as warm as it did when he first held me. His heart didn’t even beat as loud as it did as before.

I watched him sleep.

I guess only while he slept will I have the strength to tell him. 

“I love you, Carlo. I love you so much that it hurts just as much thinking about how you can still try to find someone else. You promised me we would be together till the end. But you changed it all when you started flirting around. I tried to be patient. But I just can’t take it anymore that you can go on not talking to me for days. It breaks me apart that you don’t treat me as well as you did before. And what hurts me more is that just as soon as you say those three words, my heart just melts. And it’s not right anymore. It can’t go on this way. I love you too much that I never want to lose you, but I just feel that it’s you who is slipping away.”

I looked at him the whole night. I looked at the face of the man I wanted to lay in bed with and wake up next to for the rest of my life. 

But the rest of my life ends tonight.

I placed my hand against the wall again, maybe telling it to protect him as I can no longer do so.   

It has been forty-three days since I left.  

And he never wondered where I went. He never looked for me. 

So I was right. He didn’t love me anymore. He just couldn’t tell me.

I closed my eyes.

I still remember every feature of his face.

I still remember… 

 

He Said, She said

She laid in bed beside me, with her back against me. In her front was the wall. Slowly, she spread out her fingers and rested her palm against it, as if trying to feel the coldness of the concrete.

I didn’t see it coming.

For a few seconds, she let her warmth pass from the center of her hand, to the tip of her fingers and then finally to the concrete. It looked to me that she wanted to leave a mark.

From behind her I stretched my arm to reach her hand and fit my fingers between hers.

“You belong here.” I wanted her to feel. 

But just as soon as my finger touched her skin, she took her hand off the wall.

I was puzzled. 

I reached my arm again, this time toward her face, to turn it to mine. I gently felt her left cheek on my palm. I caressed it. It felt warm… And wet. 

I blinked. 

“You’re crying?”

Then she took my hand off her face, held it for a moment and sighed. 

“What’s wrong?”

She didn’t say a word. 

It seemed as if the coldness of the wall passed into her instead. 

“It ends here.” She said in a voice more hoarse than when she had her worst cough. 

It was the longest twenty-seven seconds I’ve counted.

“What… did you say?” I hoped I heard wrong. 

With her thumb, she massaged my knuckles. It didn’t help calm my senses. 

“It’s not the same anymore.” She said after she stopped massaging. This time, her voice dropped a few more pitches. 

“You don’t love me anymore.” I said, supposedly in a question. 

She let go of my hand and rolled to face me. 

“I still do.”
“Then what are you telling me?”

She traced my face with her fingers. From my forehead, my brows, my eyelashes and eyelids, to my nose and lips.

“I don’t feel that you love me anymore.” She said. I watched her tears fall sideways to the pillow.
“But I do.”
“That’s what you say. But I, I feel like I’m nothing to you. It’s just so different now. I wish you didn’t change.”
“I thought you said you don’t want us to end. We were not going to fall apart.”

She didn’t say anything. 

She rested her forehead against mine and hugged me gently. 

“I love you.” I told her. 

“Sshh…”

With her fingers, she closed my eyes. I held her close enough for her to feel my heart beating. I wanted her to be the last girl to ever make me feel my heart beat as loud as it can. I wanted her to be the last. We stayed like that for minutes until I finally fell asleep. 

“Carlo! You’re gonna be late!” My sister woke me. 
“I’m up.” I mumbled. 

She babbled a lot before closing the door after her. I heard her, but wasn’t able to make anything out of it. 

I opened my eyes. I was facing the wall. The wall was facing me.

So I was right. She really didn’t love me anymore. She just couldn’t tell me. 

I spread my hand to reach the spot where she put hers. I wanted to feel her warmth again.   

It’s been forty-three days.

She really did leave a mark.

She really did leave…

 

2010 in review (from e-mail)

The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

Healthy blog!

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow.

Crunchy numbers

Featured image

A helper monkey made this abstract painting, inspired by your stats.

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 4,600 times in 2010. That’s about 11 full 747s.

In 2010, there were 54 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 76 posts. There were 51 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 30mb. That’s about 4 pictures per month.

The busiest day of the year was March 27th with 71 views. The most popular post that day was Facts I Don’t Normally Say Everyday (part 1).

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were WordPress Dashboard, humanbullshit.wordpress.com, alphainventions.com, redinkedvodka.wordpress.com, and raspberryreich.wordpress.com.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for nang ako ay mabangga, galit na tula, airport sickness, gagong tula, and magpapakilala.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

1

Facts I Don’t Normally Say Everyday (part 1) March 2010
32 comments

2

Nang Ako Ay Mabangga December 2009
7 comments

3

Bakit Kailangang Ako Ang Masaktan? November 2009
9 comments

4

Open Letter to my Ex and His Girlfriend February 2010
9 comments

5

Ngayon Pa Lang Ako Magpapa-kilala November 2008
25 comments

I’m happy to be receiving this for the first time. 😀

 
5 Comments

Posted by on January 3, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

Christmas Spirit

When do you stop?

When do you stop dreaming before you’re even asleep?

Dreaming about what you should’ve done, said or been in the past;
Dreaming about what you should do, say or be in the future.

When do you stop thinking?

Thinking of why it’s always the shit-stuffs that happen to you;
Thinking of how you can stop the shit-stuffs from happening.

When do you stop waiting?

Waiting for that person you would finally spend your life with;
Waiting for the moment for all your dreams to come true.

When do you stop believing?

Believing that you will still find that person;
Believing that you can make your dreams come true if you just put your heart into what you do.

When do you stop looking at others and realizing how small you are?

When do you stop searching for more and seeing that you already have so much?

When do you stop seeking for the perfect words to describe your life and the perfect words to map out your future with?

When do you stop asking so many questions that you may or not have the answers to, but refuse to accept anyway?

When do you stop pestering others and yourself even with all your nonsense?

When do you stop wondering if this is what it means to live?

 
 

Merry Christmas!

and a happy new year, too, guys. 😀

That’s all I could ever say.

I hope you guys are good with your family. It’s the best time of the year to spend it with them.

 
3 Comments

Posted by on December 25, 2010 in You! Read this!