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Category Archives: Oo na, heartbroken na.

Just Another Story Ep. 3

I stared at myself in the mirror with the clothes Emily picked out for me. Emily’s house is something I could’ve only dreamed. Her dad works as a VP in a multinational company. Her mom is a dentist and her brother’s a lawyer. She told me that she was managing the office she was working in. She’s indeed from a well-off family. And I can only imagine how the rest of my batchmates were doing.

“What do you say?” She asked in the middle of my daydreaming.
“It’s not for me.”
“What? You don’t like it?”
“I don’t like me.”

I turned away and changed back into my casual clothes and neatly folded the new clothes.

“Then what are you gonna do with those?” She asked in a very soft voice.
“You can have them.”
“Claaaaaiiiiirrrrrreeeeee!” She screamed.

I immediately turned to her.

“You are such a baby!” She shouted.
“What’s wrong with you?” I asked, confused.
“What is wrong with YOU? Were you really like that even in high school? I used to see you so jolly and all, but the more I spend time with you, the more I find out how lousy and boring you are as a person!”

It struck me. She sighed.

“Look, Claire. You’re what, 21? You’re way off the teenage life, you gotta pick yourself up! How do you want to show yourself in the homecoming when you’re trashing your own damn self! You’re like the end of the world!”
“That’s the reason I don’t want to go, Emily.” I told her as I slid down to the floor.
“You can tell me.”
“I… I don’t know.”
“I’m your friend.”
“For now….”
“And you are just gonna let me slip away like what you did to them?”

Did I?

“You’re right. I am a lousy and boring person.”
“And you should stop pitying yourself, it makes you annoying.”

I smiled.

“You know, I used to tell somebody that.”
“And?”
“Still, he tells me about how darned his life is, like there’s nothing he can do anymore. It got to my nerves so I changed my number to ward him off.”
“I would probably do the same thing to you.”

I looked at her. She’s pretty even without smiling.

“Did your mom give you those braces?”
“Yes, she did. Why?”
“So you didn’t have to pay, right?”
“Of course not. Silly. You need to wear them, too? I could ask mom to have an appointment with you, and I’ll tell her to charge not a single cent.” She said, flashing those neon orange braces.
“Nah. I don’t want to.”
“Don’t worry, Claire. We’re gonna go to the homecoming together. I’m gonna make you the prettiest you can be, and I won’t leave you alone for a second. Okay?”
“Promise?”
“Yes! But you really need to build up your confidence. Gee, I didn’t know you were so insecure.”
“Well….”
“But that’s okay. You just have to trust me. I’m your best friend.”

I felt assured.

“So, feeling better, or do you still feel anything bad?”
“I’m hungry.” I said, out of honesty and not sarcasm.
“Yeah, me too. Let’s ransack the kitchen.”

I was like a dumber just looking at whatever stuff she does. I was ignorant of house chores, and I know that I will not make a good wife.

“You got any craving?” She asked.
“I don’t know how to cook.”

She stared at me for a while and chuckled.

“It’s easy. Lemme show you. For a starter, I’ll be teaching you to make carbonara with ham-and-cheese-stuffed chicken fillet. What do you say?”
“Sounds difficult to memorize.”
“Haha. But it’s not difficult to make.”
“And I’m not sure it’s not difficult to like.” I said with a smile, like a kid being taught a new thing.

And that’s pretty much what I was like when we were in their kitchen. While munching in, I thought of how envious I am of Emily. She has everything I had been seeking for. I always thought I was better than anyone else but, as I’m getting older, I find out how much I’ve lagged behind everyone else.

“You should sleep here the night before the homecoming.” Emily said to me.
“Me? Oh no, I don’t do sleepovers. Nakakahiya.”
“Nah, it’ll be fun. I’ll ask my mom to ask your mom.”
“I hope she agrees.”
“Oh come on, you’re no longer a minor.”
“Yea, I know. I keep telling myself that.” I sighed out.

(I have no idea why this is in my drafts folder, but I’ll go on put it up, not that anybody follows this story but oh well. :P)

 

She Said, He Said

I laid in bed beside him, with my back against him. In front of me was the wall. Slowly, I spread out my fingers and rested my palm against it, trying to feel the coldness of the concrete.

I had been thinking about this for a long time.

“Why am I here? I don’t belong here.” I thought to myself. 

From behind me he stretched his arm to reach my hand.
 
But just as soon as the tip of his finger touched my skin, I took my hand away from the wall. 

He reached for my face, trying to turn it to his. He carressed my cheek and felt that it was warm… And wet.

“You’re crying?” I suppose he was startled.

Then I took his hand off my face, held it for a moment and sighed. 

“What’s wrong?” He asked. 

I couldn’t say a word. 

I thought the coldness of the wall would make me feel better.  

“It ends here.” I said, almost shaking. 

“What… did you say?” He finally broke the longest and most deafening silence. 

With my thumb, I massaged his knuckles, hoping it would calm him while I thought of the best way to tell him. 

“It’s not the same anymore.” I said. I could swear I went baritone. 

“You don’t love me anymore.” He assumed. I knew he’d think so. 

I closed my eyes for a while and breathed in before turning to face him. 

“I still do.”
“Then what are you telling me?”

I traced his face with my fingers. From his forehead, his brows, his eyelashes and eyelids, to his nose and lips. I didn’t want to miss anything.

But I am sure to miss every part of him.

But I have to tell him. I have to tell him what has been crushing my heart. 

“I don’t feel that you love me anymore.” I said. I couldn’t stop my tears from falling. 
“But I do.”
“That’s what you say. But I, I feel like I’m nothing to you. It’s just so different now. I wish you didn’t change.”
“I thought you said you don’t want us to end. We were not going to fall apart.”

I couldn’t answer. 

I rested my forehead against his and hugged him gently. 

“I love you.” He told me. 

“Sshh…” It was the first time I heard him say that after days of not talking. 

I ran my fingers over his eyes to close them. He held me so close that I felt his heart beating. I wanted this to last. I wanted him to be the last. We stayed like that until he finally fell asleep.

It didn’t feel as good and as warm as it did when he first held me. His heart didn’t even beat as loud as it did as before.

I watched him sleep.

I guess only while he slept will I have the strength to tell him. 

“I love you, Carlo. I love you so much that it hurts just as much thinking about how you can still try to find someone else. You promised me we would be together till the end. But you changed it all when you started flirting around. I tried to be patient. But I just can’t take it anymore that you can go on not talking to me for days. It breaks me apart that you don’t treat me as well as you did before. And what hurts me more is that just as soon as you say those three words, my heart just melts. And it’s not right anymore. It can’t go on this way. I love you too much that I never want to lose you, but I just feel that it’s you who is slipping away.”

I looked at him the whole night. I looked at the face of the man I wanted to lay in bed with and wake up next to for the rest of my life. 

But the rest of my life ends tonight.

I placed my hand against the wall again, maybe telling it to protect him as I can no longer do so.   

It has been forty-three days since I left.  

And he never wondered where I went. He never looked for me. 

So I was right. He didn’t love me anymore. He just couldn’t tell me.

I closed my eyes.

I still remember every feature of his face.

I still remember… 

 

He Said, She said

She laid in bed beside me, with her back against me. In her front was the wall. Slowly, she spread out her fingers and rested her palm against it, as if trying to feel the coldness of the concrete.

I didn’t see it coming.

For a few seconds, she let her warmth pass from the center of her hand, to the tip of her fingers and then finally to the concrete. It looked to me that she wanted to leave a mark.

From behind her I stretched my arm to reach her hand and fit my fingers between hers.

“You belong here.” I wanted her to feel. 

But just as soon as my finger touched her skin, she took her hand off the wall.

I was puzzled. 

I reached my arm again, this time toward her face, to turn it to mine. I gently felt her left cheek on my palm. I caressed it. It felt warm… And wet. 

I blinked. 

“You’re crying?”

Then she took my hand off her face, held it for a moment and sighed. 

“What’s wrong?”

She didn’t say a word. 

It seemed as if the coldness of the wall passed into her instead. 

“It ends here.” She said in a voice more hoarse than when she had her worst cough. 

It was the longest twenty-seven seconds I’ve counted.

“What… did you say?” I hoped I heard wrong. 

With her thumb, she massaged my knuckles. It didn’t help calm my senses. 

“It’s not the same anymore.” She said after she stopped massaging. This time, her voice dropped a few more pitches. 

“You don’t love me anymore.” I said, supposedly in a question. 

She let go of my hand and rolled to face me. 

“I still do.”
“Then what are you telling me?”

She traced my face with her fingers. From my forehead, my brows, my eyelashes and eyelids, to my nose and lips.

“I don’t feel that you love me anymore.” She said. I watched her tears fall sideways to the pillow.
“But I do.”
“That’s what you say. But I, I feel like I’m nothing to you. It’s just so different now. I wish you didn’t change.”
“I thought you said you don’t want us to end. We were not going to fall apart.”

She didn’t say anything. 

She rested her forehead against mine and hugged me gently. 

“I love you.” I told her. 

“Sshh…”

With her fingers, she closed my eyes. I held her close enough for her to feel my heart beating. I wanted her to be the last girl to ever make me feel my heart beat as loud as it can. I wanted her to be the last. We stayed like that for minutes until I finally fell asleep. 

“Carlo! You’re gonna be late!” My sister woke me. 
“I’m up.” I mumbled. 

She babbled a lot before closing the door after her. I heard her, but wasn’t able to make anything out of it. 

I opened my eyes. I was facing the wall. The wall was facing me.

So I was right. She really didn’t love me anymore. She just couldn’t tell me. 

I spread my hand to reach the spot where she put hers. I wanted to feel her warmth again.   

It’s been forty-three days.

She really did leave a mark.

She really did leave…

 

Christmas Spirit

When do you stop?

When do you stop dreaming before you’re even asleep?

Dreaming about what you should’ve done, said or been in the past;
Dreaming about what you should do, say or be in the future.

When do you stop thinking?

Thinking of why it’s always the shit-stuffs that happen to you;
Thinking of how you can stop the shit-stuffs from happening.

When do you stop waiting?

Waiting for that person you would finally spend your life with;
Waiting for the moment for all your dreams to come true.

When do you stop believing?

Believing that you will still find that person;
Believing that you can make your dreams come true if you just put your heart into what you do.

When do you stop looking at others and realizing how small you are?

When do you stop searching for more and seeing that you already have so much?

When do you stop seeking for the perfect words to describe your life and the perfect words to map out your future with?

When do you stop asking so many questions that you may or not have the answers to, but refuse to accept anyway?

When do you stop pestering others and yourself even with all your nonsense?

When do you stop wondering if this is what it means to live?

 
 

I should’ve died in my sleep last night instead

I said I’d be okay when you leave. 
I would’ve prepared myself before then. 
What started in an instant
     can be cut off just as fast. 
Yeah, I’ve heard of that a lot…
     … from myself even.
So why now does it still hurt?

I said this would’ve brought about
     a good poetry or prose
but the words just don’t fit.  
Or was it my heart that slipped? 
Screw my heart. Bash my head. 
In the end, this will still be the end. 

Yeah, I lost it. I lost you. I lost me. 
What I have left are what-ifs
     and could-have-beens. 
Crap. I’m the one to lose again
and I’m the one I should blame. 
In my ears, Evanescence is playing. 
Inside, all of me is breaking. 
My head is clouded, my eyes teary. 
The words just fall away from me. 

I said I’d be ready when you leave. 
So why the hell do I still grieve?
I lost grip. It came to me
that before it started, I lost already. 
I close my eyelids ’cause they got heavy
and I wait for my tears to fall freely.  

 
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Posted by on December 4, 2010 in Oo na, heartbroken na.

 

Just Another Story Ep. 2

So with all these thoughts clogged in my head, I sent Emily a message.

“Hey Ems, I won’t be ‘coming home’. But we can still have lunch together, right?”

Being a college student, texting after school hours means a reply should come in an instant. But I was waiting for already twelve minutes.

“Tss. I forgot, she’s already working.”

They say that graduation is either the happiest or the saddest moment in your life. But now that we’re finally here, I can honestly say that I can not decipher how I feel tonight.

That could at least have been my opening statement for my speech. But it’s still not good enough.

“Oh, come on, get over it already!” I shouted at myself.

Then my phone rang. Hesitantly, I picked it up.

“Hello?”
“Claire! Bakit? Why did you change your mind?”

I don’t remember having made up my mind in the first place.

“Sorry Ems, we’re probably gonna be out of town by then.” I’m quite good at lying.
“No! ‘Wag muna! Can you at least make time? It’s just one night. It’s a farewell party for our principal na rin.”
“Farewell party? Why?”
“Well, you know how old she’s been serving the school. She’s retiring after 37 years.”
“So your friends are all coming?”
“Mostly yes, and we will all be expecting the pilot class to again pioneer this event.”
“I guess the pilot class isn’t so enthusiastic about this at all.”
“What do you mean? Bakit ka ganyan? My friends have talked to most of your classmates and they were all so excited. I don’t understand why the President of the Student Council isn’t supportive, nor cooperative with this! Ang KJ mo!”

I got annoyed.

“Edi kayo na lang ng mga classmates ko magsama-sama!”

Then silence followed.

“I’m sorry. It’s been a hard day, Ems. I didn’t mean to shout.”
“… Text me when your head is clear.”
“Sorry…”

Then she hung up.

Great, Claire. And you wonder why you don’t have any friends.

I didn’t call nor texted her that night. I didn’t know if it was my pride that hindered me, or my guilt.

The next morning, I didn’t wait for her at the catwalk either. I guess it was guilt. I couldn’t face her.

She called me when she probably realized I wasn’t gonna wait there. I picked up and stayed silent.

“Are you mad at me?” She asked.
“I’m supposed to be the one asking that.”
“Well, I’m not.”
“…”
“So, are you?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Nah. Guess I’ll see you tomorrow? We’re still gonna get lunch together, right?”
“Sure.”

Then I smiled. It’s not hard to say sorry after all.

Soon after that, everything went back to normal. And the homecoming is imminent.

“What are you gonna wear?”
“Well, I don’t know. Just the usual me, I guess?”
“Yeah, the geek.” She giggled.
“Oo na, ikaw na ang hot chick.” I smiled at her. It’s true, she’s one of the hot girls even my classmates fantasize about.
“Hala, natitibo ka na sakin?” She giggled again. She has really cute dimples by the way, and her braces just makes her even cuter.
“We should go shopping!” She quickly exclaimed.
“I’m not really a fan.”
“I can help you find clothes for the homecoming!”
“I don’t have the money for shopping.”
“Trust me, you don’t have to spend gold to get good clothes.”
“Define gold. Palibhasa rich kid ka e.”
“Ah basta, you’re coming with me!”

We went out on a Saturday morning. We first got lunch before the war of the walks. It’s not that I dislike walking, but it’s that I dislike walking after lunch because I have this hapontukin syndrome that after eating, I just wanna close my eyes and dream. That explains why I’m always asleep during my afternoon classes.

Aside from that, it’s very clear that there are eyes everywhere. Emily’s just a real head turner even in a racerback and jeans. I think it’s her curls that makes her look even more attractive. And I can’t help but think that they wish I was never with her. I can see how their faces change expression when they lay eyes on me. Tsk, why did I choose to be an ugly friend of a good catch.

“Here!” Emily pulled me by the hand into one of the stores.

I looked around. There’s a bunch of ladies’ wear and bags. There’s only five people here, including me, Emily and two employees. Emily was already looking at the hanged clothes. I just watched her. She picked up three pieces of clothing.

“Hey, come here.”

I was like a dog that really came to her. She put a sunny yellow top with lots of buttons on the chest against me.

“The color looks good on you. This would probably make you look thinner because of the narrow cut at the waist. You’ll look elegant yet young. Miss, would you give her her size?” She asked one of the salesladies.
“Yes ma’am.”
“Wait, mamaya na lang sabay-sabay.”

She took a simple black dress next. I thought it was too high cut and showed too much skin.

“I don’t think I can wear that.” I told her.
“You won’t have to. It’s for me.” She winked.

After picking out around four garments, she told the saleslady to help me find my size to try them on. Then she tried on a few clothes herself. And so she chose what she found best for me.

“You’re gonna wear this at the homecoming.” She told me.

 

Just Another Story Ep. 1

I should’ve made a more memorable speech.

That’s what I thought as I read previous speeches and valedictory addresses from the yearbooks I found.

Everybody said write to express and not to impress. How could I have sucked big time at my one-time chance? I should’ve said things that would’ve left a mark on everyone’s minds, myself included. It’s so disappointing that I don’t even remember my own speech, considering it was for the greatest moment of my life. There’s no second take and I screwed up forever!

“Sayang..” I sighed, closing the last yearbook.
“Oh well. Gotta get back to work.” I said to myself while I picked up my things to walk back into the building.

It was a very hot day. I couldn’t help but sweat profusely, walking under the sun. Seven feet away, there’s the catwalk. Finally, some shade.

It’s just like any other day, actually. Why would they call it a tropical country if it’s supposed to be cold? But today, given that the Philippines is just a little off the equator, I can’t shake off the thought of the effects of global warming and climate change.

“Stop it.” I laughed myself off, thinking I’m being a geek, talking to myself about science shit while walking. I’m becoming more like the people I mock inside my head. You know, the no-social-life-too-busy-reading kind of students. But I know that ain’t me.

“Claaaaaiiiiiiiirrrrrre!”

That is the shriek of someone who has not seen you for a long time.

“Emily!” I shouted back.

“Uy, tagal na natin di nagkitaaaaaaaa. Where have you been?” She asked, finally dropping the high pitch.
“Here. Where else could I go? I haven’t finished my degree. What are you doing here by the way?”
“Oh, dito ka pala nag-aaral. Well, I work just across the street. I don’t see you walking here very often.” She intrigued, probably thinking I was bluffing.
“Yes, my college is three blocks away. I just passed by here, my first time, really.”
“Haha, you’ve been here for years and you pass here just this once?”
“You know how distant the buildings here are. It’s like a whole subdivision, this school is.”
“Yeah, I guess. Hey, by the way, it was nice seeing you again.”
“You too. See you around. Ingat!”
“Ay, wait. Can I get your number? You know, so that we can go together to the homecoming.”
“What homecoming?” Okay, maybe I really am becoming more like those people.
“Hey now, Ms. President, if there was a high school homecoming, shouldn’t you be the one to know first?”
“I guess not.” I shrugged, giving her that clueless look.
“Oh-kay. Well, there’s this alumni homecoming in our high school before the year ends. I sure think you’re coming.”

How come I’ve never heard of this? Why didn’t anyone inform me? Where are my high school friends? Have I been forgotten?

“Where are your friends?” I asked her. I’m quite sure we were never that close in high school. We were never classmates.
“Some of them have already confirmed. It’s not easy finding lost friends. So let’s just see how many will come. I can’t believe you don’t know about this. Didn’t your classmates tell you?”

What do you think? I thought to myself, just staring blankly at her.

“So… Can I get your number now?”
“Sure.”

After the exchange of digits, we went on to our ways.

My friends, huh? I always thought I make friends easily. I never thought I’d lose them just as so.

That night, I turned on my computer to log in to this social networking site. I dropped a few words to some friends, telling them I miss them, asking stuff, trying to cope up. But was I expecting a reply? I don’t know. I don’t know if they know me still anyway.

Depression.

Sometimes, this idea of actually being depressed just gets pinned in my brain. What if it’s true, that being a loner in a huge institution, with high expectations, can leave one mentally disturbed?

Oh shit, I still have engineering problems to solve. So I turned off the computer and went back to work.

The next morning, I went back to that spot where Emily and I met again. I don’t know why. But, fortunately, she passed by just about the same time she did yesterday.

“So, second time mo na dito?” She smiled.

I smiled back.

“So, what’s up?” She asked.

What was up? Did I come here to wait for her? For what?

“Wala naman. I just wanted to catch up with you.”

I could tell that she was startled. I was too. Yesterday I was thinking that this person and I were never close and now I came here just to see her again. What has gotten into me?

“Haha, oo nga. Well, let’s set a date then. Maybe we can bring our friends too. We never got to talk much in high school. It could be our chance.”

I haven’t seen my friends since high school. What can make them wanna see me now? They get together all the time…without me.

“They’re very busy. But I will try to invite them.” I just made up.
“Great. So, text text na lang?”
“Are you running late?”
“No, I’m an hour early. Why?”

She must probably think I’m weird. I’m starting to think I am too.

“I’m hungry.” What? Was there anything better I could say?
“Haha. There’s a fast food chain just near our office. Wanna get lunch there?”
“Sure.”

Eating out for lunch, having chit chat with a new-found friend who’s not from the university, asking and being asked about past relationships… these are all firsts for me.

“Do you wanna be my FB?” She asked.
“FB? Facebook?”
“Haha. No, you know. FuBu?”

Oh shit.

“HAHA! I was just playing. I meant food buddy.”
“You scared me. I almost wanted to walk out and change my phone number.”
“Haha, over. Corny.”

But I wasn’t joking.

“So, I guess this means we’d eat lunch together from here on?”
“Well, if that means we don’t eat here everyday…” and you don’t ever talk to me about that stuff “…then okay.”
“Haha, syempre naman. So, see you friend.”
“Sige, I’ll go back to school na.”

Walking on that catwalk back to my college, I laid a few premonitions of the future. Will I go to that homecoming? What if I find myself out of place? Isn’t it awkward to be alone in a reunion? What do I tell them if they ask me? What will they say about me?

Maybe I shouldn’t go. Maybe they’ll just make fun of me. Imagine the high school salutatorian…the last to have a college degree.