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Inconsistency

22 Jul

There’s no cure to a disease I have contracted upon myself.

And so I’m hoping it’s not contagious.

I was long gone because I was so having fun.
I was long gone because I’ve straightened up my path.
I was long gone because I was fending for my plans.
Until I realized that I wanted to lay plans for someone else.
Until I realized that I was walking a straightened path by myself.
Until I realized that I… was slowly breaking my heart.

I was never good at poetry, never either at prose and always never good at love.

Etc.

I never looked at myself nor tried to brand myself as a writer, because writers take passion into writing, because writers are good persuaders. I, on the other hand, take passion into whining, and so I don’t want to influence others who may read posts specifically like this.

It’s 11:08 pm, Tuesday night.

And I’ve been waiting for 53 hours exactly.

For what, I believe, I need not explicate.

Perhaps my brand as a writer – is a whiner – for love.

Love that never lasts.

But that’s just my case.

I want everybody else to take grip of their happiness… While I… still search for mine… with little hope of actually finding it.

I wish I could give up.
Just give up on the thought of love.
Just give up on the thought of being happy with someone.
Just give up on love.

Or I may be too late.

Perhaps, love has given up on me.

And so I whine again
About how much space this entry has occupied.
About how much space he has left my heart to fill for itself.

And so I whine again
About finding love and losing it.
About wanting love and not having it.
About being in love…
and there’s just no point to it.

And so I whine again
About my imbecility, my ignorance, and my resent for myself.
About not being wise enough and being almost more than stupid.
About how hard I tried and how hard I hit the ground.
About how much I want to love him but I just know he can never love me back.

And so I whine again.

And this is my disease.

And still, I hope it’s not contagious.

 
8 Comments

Posted by on July 22, 2010 in Oo na, heartbroken na.

 

8 responses to “Inconsistency

  1. cofiboi

    July 23, 2010 at 5:37 pm

    there, there.
    i had to read your previous posts before i figured out what this post means.🙂

    friend, can i call you that? i’m in my late twenties and have gone through countless heartaches but i still believe. yes, i believe (cue gospel choir)!

    seriously, i do not think that you should give up on the L word, people who hurt you and the failed relationships you’ve had only makes you stronger and maybe a bit wiser.

    always leave something for yourself so that when your heart gets broken, you would have still have something to build on. and then you can share your heart again.

    nobody dies from a broken heart, so why not love like you have never loved before? sheesh, ang daming cliches.

    i’m just here, want to hang out and NOT talk about anything?🙂

     
    • Carizza

      July 23, 2010 at 9:36 pm

      Hmm… Your comment reminded me of my own post. And I remembered saying, “If you gave everything, then what have you got to lose?”

      Hayy. Okay, this time, I’ll take my chances.

      Sure cofiboi, hang out with mommy and teh and myself.🙂

      Nice, EB na ng bloggers? :p

       
  2. Lori

    July 23, 2010 at 2:44 pm

    dropping by…
    i empathize … reminds me so much of not so distant past …

     
    • Carizza

      July 23, 2010 at 5:00 pm

      Not so distant past. Very recent lang I guess. *sighs*

      Let’s share a toast to ourselves.

       
      • Lori

        July 27, 2010 at 6:28 pm

        yes … and come to think of it … he still lingers …

         
      • Carizza

        July 28, 2010 at 7:55 am

        Understandable. Fresh wounds still hurt a bit.

         
  3. kaye

    July 23, 2010 at 9:36 am

    hmmm…don’t think of giving up yet. you’re too young to use that line. but i understand it’s only because you really really feel bad. yet, i know you will be able to shake it off and get up again, and forget that this disappointing episode in your life happened. believe me, in a few years, you’ll look back at this and laugh it off. and you know what, this thought has helped me countless times before to look ahead with much hope in my heart.

    whoever said life, and especially love, is easy anyway?

     
    • Carizza

      July 23, 2010 at 5:00 pm

      Everything you said here has been what I’ve been telling myself. What really busts my head is the fact that at this age, I’ve been hurt and down a lot already. That’s probably why I figured I should give up.

      Just to save myself from going through the same shit all over again.

       

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