Goodbyes are not said. They’re written.

05 Apr

For so long, I’ve believed that I can always help someone out with their problems. I’ve been made to believe, or maybe I made believe, that things can always be talked out. In high school, they nicknamed me “The Cure” because of my ability to understand and deal with petty love quarrels that are not even my own. Need I write this again? No. I need to write this one last time. I’ve given lots of ultimatum, yes, but this time, it’s enough. This last, I mean, is the final last. So I might as well, pour it all out.

For almost eight years of my radical life, I’ve known this person. Okay, since it’s last, I’m going to throw names. Remember when I said that I can fall for someone I haven’t met in person? It’s true, I did and this is our story. I’ve always refused to tell because I figured it will all be too puzzling, or unbelievable or so. But for the last time, I’m not going to miss a single detail.

I was 13 then, during the age of cyberworld and technology boom and everybody was starting to get a cellphone. So that’s how we met – in the world of texters or what they used to call textmates. I remember during our Health class in first year, our teacher asked why people want to get into a relationship. I was the first to raise my hand and answer, “For experience.” And that’s what I had. I could’ve had a live boyfriend, but sure enough, I wasn’t allowed so I transgressed against the authority that was holding custody of me by having a boyfriend that existed only in the LCD of my mobile phone. It’s not rare, I’m aware. In fact, I’ve heard of and even tried to resolve situations like this. But what’s catchy here is that our almost-impossible relationship lasted for more than two years. So it’s no more surprise that my high school friends still blurt out “James! Mejas! Boski!” when we get together at times. He was always the lead character of my stories. Odd, but ours was the relationship that was longest, among our class. They, despite seeing and being with each other almost everyday, break up after months or barely a year. But this curious case, if you can call it, lasted for 28 months. I sometimes doubt, too, that it’s possible. But it did happen.

I say to myself all the time, until when can we hold on to someone we have not been able to hold? After more than two years, we finally met. How can it be so awkward to be with someone you’ve known all that time? I wasted most of that time we had just either curling up and being shy or feeling jealous that this wallet is home to his first love’s photo.

Next day, we broke up. I wasn’t really sure if I understood why. Was it because he didn’t like me? Or was it really because he finally got what he had been wanting for years? But since he said he was sure about it, and it’s going to make him happy, I let him go and take what was rightfully his.

I never knew so much about him after that. Though it’s clear that I will still live without him, there’s not a day that I don’t remember him. Yes, four years later, I still (try not to) remember. He had become my standard, what I considered the best I could ever have and sometimes I’m still tempted to ponder on stuff like what ifs and could have beens. But I stop there. Truth is, I’m not even half sure if I want us to be back together sometime I know that is not soon. I’m scared that in the end, he will still find me lacking and himself unhappy. And that’s what I can’t bear to let happen.

Our story ended long ago, but only now will the book finally be closed. And that’s exactly what I’m doing now. I can not afford to be even the least of his worries and so I’m tearing myself out of all the pages so he can go on with his chapter without a villain to bombard him with dilemmas.

I know he can not read this, or maybe he will – if he will still remember me. At least I was able to tell him that I have no regrets about what happened between us. He may have tried to offend me and make me believe that everything he said and did was a lie but I know him too well that I perfectly understand.

Now, I’ll be saying that goodbyes ARE forever and I’m not close to hoping that our roads will cross again. But still, I have a lot to thank YOU for. And I’m sorry for being your burden.


28 responses to “Goodbyes are not said. They’re written.

  1. soiebeans

    April 9, 2010 at 11:53 pm

    relate na relate ako sa post na ito. 😦

    • Carizza

      April 10, 2010 at 9:36 am

      Wanna share? I tried reading your post but I can’t understand. HAHA.

      • soiebeans

        April 10, 2010 at 8:19 pm

        yeah, i understand if you don’t. it’s sort of high context and i wrote it just to ease myself up. nothing more nothing less. haha. and i think it helped. i did not care that time whether my readers would understand or not. maybe next time, i’d try writing it clearer. anyway, whatever it is that you’re feeling right now, just let it pass. keep that cool always. πŸ™‚

      • Carizza

        April 10, 2010 at 8:46 pm

        LOL. I understand. Most of my posts actually are not honest enough to tell everything. The point is, we let it out. πŸ˜€

  2. Lust

    April 7, 2010 at 11:44 am

    you deserve someone better…=)

    • Carizza

      April 7, 2010 at 9:04 pm

      Better is relevant. πŸ™‚

  3. dlysen

    April 7, 2010 at 11:07 am

    I do we have to meet someone just to say goodbye in the end?

    • Carizza

      April 7, 2010 at 9:04 pm

      IDK. Some stories don’t have happy endings, I guess.

  4. missbroken

    April 7, 2010 at 6:55 am

    ayan…. andito na naman ako… wait.. sad story ba to?
    ayus lang yan… totoo yung comment na no one dies because of broken heart.. except you let your self to die… alam ko wa lakung karapatan na cheer up kaya mo ya.. pero sasabihin ko na rin.. cheer up girl… meron pa nagmamahal sayo… asan?????

    psst. nadito ako… wahahaha….. ibig kung sabihin… nanjan mga friends mo..
    family and my bestfriend God….

    • Carizza

      April 7, 2010 at 9:09 pm

      Hmmmmm. Salamat.

  5. eloiski

    April 6, 2010 at 8:42 pm

    awww. ang saklap naman nun. pero ang tagal din nun ah. 2 years tapos sa text lang kayo nagcocommunicate. kaastig kaya nun.

    medyo may gusto lang sana akong halungkatin pa kung hindi mo mamasamain… pwede pakiexplain mo po itong mabuti sa akin.
    ‘Or was it really because he finally got what he had been wanting for years? But since he said he was sure about it, and it’s going to make him happy, I let him go and take what was rightfully his.”
    hakhak! hindi ko alam kung yung iniisip ko ba eh yun talaga yun. waaaah!

    • Carizza

      April 7, 2010 at 9:06 pm

      HAHA. Mukhang yan nga ang common question. Di ko pala kasi nasabi. Bago pa naging kami, palagi na siyang may kinukwentong girl na talagang dead na dead xa over, yung first love niya. So parang 2 years niyang niligawan, bago kami nagkakilala. πŸ˜€

      At nag-break kami dahil naging sila. πŸ™‚

      • eloiski

        April 8, 2010 at 3:07 pm

        ayun. buti at nilinaw mo! hakhak! iba na kasi talaga ang tumatakbo sa isip ko! rawrrrrr!

      • Carizza

        April 9, 2010 at 9:26 am

        Mukha ngang magulo yun. Hehe.

  6. Hazel

    April 6, 2010 at 12:53 pm

    Hmmm, lam mo ba na nakikita ko sarili ko sayo kasi recently may mga tao na din akong pinili kong maging alaala nalang. Pero eto, ayos naman ako, alam ko naman kasing may dahilan kung bakit nagkaganun. πŸ˜›

    Off topic: Sorry di na talaga ako naka-reply sayo ate. XD Ako kasi si poorita sa load.

    • Carizza

      April 6, 2010 at 6:45 pm

      Oo nga, saka para sa ikatatahimik ng lahat na rin. πŸ™‚

      Uy di ako makapag-diet, andito tatay ko andaming chocs. HAHA.

      Wala na rin ako load at iba na number ko. πŸ˜€ Text kita pag may load na ko. πŸ™‚

  7. duking

    April 6, 2010 at 12:41 pm

    sayang naman.dalawang taon din yun ah.but like everything else,it will never work untill it works.

    love blooms in unusual places and cases.just keep believing.ingat and have a good day!

    • Carizza

      April 6, 2010 at 6:44 pm

      Ganun talaga siguro, we’re not meant to be. πŸ™‚

      Sabi ko nga sa classmates ko, hindi nasusukat ang tatag ng samahan sa tagal ng relasyon.

      Pero really, happy ako na loveless ako. Alam ko kasi everything will fall into place in the end. According to God’s plan. πŸ™‚

  8. slaveboi

    April 6, 2010 at 10:24 am

    Wait, wait, wait.

    But since he said he was sure about it, and it’s going to make him happy, I let him go and take what was rightfully his. –> Is this about what I think it is about? O_O If so, huuwaaaw. Okay. Tell me. :p

    Seriously, though, “Riz”, this was brave of you. It’s not easy to rehash and put out for public memories of the past, especially those that are not too pleasant. I’m happy that you’ve finally moved on. I’m confused by the last statement, though. πŸ™‚

    • Carizza

      April 6, 2010 at 6:33 pm

      But since he said he was sure about it, and it’s going to make him happy, I let him go and take what was rightfully his. –> Is this about what I think it is about? O_O If so, huuwaaaw. Okay. Tell me. :p

      –> I don’t understand, stalkee. What’s this about? Anong iniisip mo? o_O

      The last statement is directed to him. I feel that I’m becoming a source of rage between him and his girlfriend. Even if I try to stay and just help out, my mere presence only makes them quarrel all the time. Kaya even though it’s sad, I had to lose our friendship. For their sake. Kaya I changed all my numbers. πŸ™‚

      • slaveboi

        April 7, 2010 at 2:46 pm

        Well, it sounded like you gave him your, er, you know, the big V word. O_O

      • Carizza

        April 7, 2010 at 9:03 pm

        No. I gave him the F word. HAHAHAH. πŸ˜›

  9. cofiboi

    April 6, 2010 at 4:59 am

    i can feel your sadness in this post.
    this may sound old, but letting go is never easy; especially letting go of someone whom you loved.
    believe me, i have heard all the sob stories and i’ve got my fair share of mine. but don’t worry, nobody dies of a broken heart. πŸ™‚

    • Carizza

      April 6, 2010 at 6:30 pm

      HAHA. Nakakainis ka. HAHAHHA. I don’t know how to react. πŸ˜›

  10. aperockstar

    April 6, 2010 at 12:21 am

    I really believe in this saying:

    when a relationship ends, don’t regret things you may or may have not done. Just be happy that the whole thing happened.

    • Carizza

      April 6, 2010 at 6:28 pm

      I have none. I’m happy it all happened, really. I just don’t think he thinks the same.

  11. Lust

    April 5, 2010 at 9:05 pm

    i really hate goodbyes…kasi para sakin, kapag sinabihan ka ng goodbye, tapos na ang lahat..wala nang pag-asa..hindi na maayos pa..o kaya hindi na magkikita uli..kaya tuwing naggoo2dbye sakin si Pride eh nagagalit ako….

    cheer up…i may not be in the position to say this, but i think you should move on…forgive..and forget…though alam nating lahat na hindi iyon kadali…

    smile in your sleep..^____^

    • Carizza

      April 6, 2010 at 6:27 pm

      Actually long time ago na kami nagkahiwalay. Four years after lang ulit kami nagkausap, nagkagulo pa.

      Ok naman ako. Mas worried ako sa kanila.


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