Don’t Remember

15 Feb

I miss you.

It’s been a while since I last saw you, since I last knew you. I wonder where you are, how you’ve been, who you’re with. I wonder…

“Shouldn’t you be doing something else? More important?”

…if you think about me, if you…

“Hey, I’m talking to you.”

————- “Hey.”, I tilted my head to see if it were really you.

“You’re supposed to be studying, you know?”
“Yeah,” I said, crumpling the piece of paper.
“I was here the whole time.”, you said, leaning back and looking up.
“Oh. Well… I gotta go – do something else – more important.” I hurriedly fixed my bag.
“You can’t run away from your past, Jane.”

Running away from my past… Was I? Or was my past running after me?

“How about we talk. It’s been a while since we did. As you said.”
“About what exactly?”, I turned to you, a little agitated.
“About everything else besides you and me, perhaps you’d like that, huh? At least you won’t feel so bad about remembering.”

Cocky bastard. You’re the last person I ever want to talk with.

“I know you don’t want to. I’m not going to ask again. But I do know that you can’t resist me.”

That’s it. Major cocky. I stood and desperately rushed to the door.

“So. I’ll just wait ’till your classes are over. That okay?”

I stopped to turn and give you an irritated pout and walked to my classroom. You still have that familiar, jerky smirk on your now unfamiliar, stern face.

How’d you find me anyway? I never told you anything. Not that you’re stalking me. But I didn’t think you’d find me again. I didn’t think I’d find you again.

It’s 5:30 pm. Shit. My classes end at 6. Please don’t be there. Please, please, please don’t be there.

What a distraction. I’m at school but I’m not learning. Oh wait, did I fall asleep while waiting for my class to start? Maybe this is a dream. Like one of those nightmares I always have. But wait, where’s the devil that always wants to get a piece of me? Or wants to get me one piece? Hah! So you’re the devil? Nah, you look to good to be the devil. Or should I not be deceived?

6 pm. 3 hours in class but absolutely zero attention. I thought I convinced myself to be anew. Damn. This is maximum shitload. Oh shoot! Everyone’s leaving. Should I wait a while? But it would be too obvious, this anxiety. But what am I anxious about? Shit shit shit! Okay, relax. You got this. You’re in control.

Okay, I’m out. Left, right. There’s no sight of you. I smiled to myself and shrugged it off. Well, you still know how to kick me into the air and pull me back to the ground. Oh well, then I should go home now.

Three minutes later, I was walking to the jeepney stop. All that I was thinking was to get to the MRT station as early as I can. I have a traumatic experience of riding the jeep.

“Hey, where are you going? I thought I told you I was waiting.”

And I thought that I thought wrong.

“Oh, I forgot. Sorry.”
“Get in.”

You opened the door of a red Vios for me.
“Wow, I didn’t think you had a car.”
“I didn’t. It’s my friend’s.” You smiled as you motioned your hand towards the car’s interiors. When I found myself comfy in the seat, you gently closed the door and walked to the other side.

It’s a nice car. I’m guessing it’s not over two years. I don’t know why someone would trust you with it.

“So, where do you wanna go?”
“I figured. But I’m a little hungry. Mind if we get something to eat? After all, I waited for three hours.”
“I didn’t think you would.” I murmured.
“Excuse me?”
“I said I know where you can drive thru.”
“Oh. That’s not what you said, but I’ll buy it. So can you tell me which way?”
“Drive. I’ll tell you along the way.”

So you did. You started a bunch of stories. I wasn’t really listening. I’d only speak when you ask directions. Driving thru, you bought a burger wrapped with a non-biodegradable, plastic-coated paper. You asked what I wanted and I shoved off and looked outside the window.

“Well, I guess she’ll just have that Oreo Sundae.”
“Will that be all, sir?”
“Yes, thank you.”
“Okay sir, next window please.”

“You can have my fries, too. I know you like potatoes.”

After you finished your fast food meal, you started on your saga again.

“You’re just not into this, are you? You wanna be obvious on being stingy, but you can’t walk your talk – or untalk.”
“What do you want, Ethan?”
“I want you to be honest with yourself.”
“And what do you want to hear?”
“You tell me.”
“Can you pull over for a while, please?”
“There’s no walking out now. It’s late. You don’t wanna be stuck in the middle of nowhere at this hour.”

You have no idea of how I don’t wanna be stuck with you at any hour.

“You don’t have to say anything. Just listen to me.”
“I’m sorry, Jane. For all that happened.”
“Well, I hope I can make it up.”
“Just let me.”
“Suit yourself.”

Take it back. I ask, please take it back. I don’t want to do it all over again. I was over that, I was over you. Why do you have to come back and shake me?

So we’re back on that old, rugged track. I was happy again. But I know I shouldn’t be. But it felt so good, being with you again. Until I overheard a conversation between you and your friends while I was on my way back from the washroom.

“Hey Ethan. You jack. You already have a new girlfriend.”
“What? No, I don’t.”
“Tss, we saw that chick you’re with. She’s not really much of a catch, but she’s really pretty.”
“She’s not my girlfriend.”
“…yet? Haha. Give us a break, man. You and Rachel just broke up and you’re already over it?”
“I’m not over it. I’m still trying to get her back.”
“Oh, and what do you plan to do with this new chick?”
“Nothing. She’s not my girlfriend. I’m not even courting her.”
“Ah. Well, you look good together.”
“Don’t trust what you don’t know.”

Yeah, that’s right. Don’t trust what you don’t know. I thought I knew you, but I obviously don’t. Why did I trust you anyway. What have I done to myself. Damn you. Damn you eternally.

“Well, see you around, E. We’ll tell Rachel that you’re going out with someone else.”
“She won’t believe you. Haha.”
“Yeah, just be careful who you’re playing with.”
“I’m not playing. This girl knows that I don’t wanna be with her anymore.”
“Ooooh! You’re flying high! Haha.”

I didn’t want to go back there. What do I say? In the middle of my puzzlings, your phone rang.

“Hello? Hey… Okay… No, not at all. Sure, I’ll be there. Love you.”

My world fell apart. Again. But I had to pull myself together.

“Hey.” I walked back to you.
“Hey. Oh, look. I gotta go. I uh, I got a call from home.”
“Oh, yeah. Sure. Go ahead.”
“I’ll take you to the bus stop.”
“No, I’ll just take a cab. You can go.”
“You sure? Well, okay then. I’ll call you later.”
“Bye.” And that was the last smile I’d ever give you.

It’s easy to fake a smile. I guess it’s just as easy as how you faked me.

After that, everything changed. I changed it myself. I changed my number, my email. Everything. That was the last you’d ever see and hear from me.

Days passed, and I was on my feet again. Then, expectedly, here you are.

“You’ve been avoiding me.”
“You think? So why are you still here?”
“I need to know why.”
“And I’m not feeding that.”

I walked past you – like I don’t know you. And at the back of my head I wish I didn’t. I wish you off.

“Jane.” I heard you call. But I stood my ground while I pretended not to hear.

After that, you were gone again. It was a relief. I have never been so angry inside. At least now I’ve saved myself from being what I can’t bear to be – just for you.

Days turned to weeks and still you weren’t back. Then at some point, I was informed that you were in a hospital – run over, broke your back, contracted a disease – I don’t know. But I had to be there to see it for myself.

“Jane? Wow, it’s been so long. It’s so nice to see you.”
“Thank you po.” I told your sister. She offered a drink and I refused. I told her I won’t be long. She gave us the room all to ourselves.

I sat on your bed, next to you and gave you an indifferent look.
“You look good”, I said.
“You look good on this bed.”

Somehow, the spirit in your eyes changed like you thought you heard wrong.

“You lying son of a bitch.” I started.
“Oh wait, I take that bitch part back. Even a bitch would be too ashamed to have you as a son.” I was getting the hang of it.
“You don’t deserve to live, Ethan. But you don’t deserve to die either. That would be an undeserved reward. You ought to live long enough to see yourself suffer in that unproductive, vegetative state. It’s the sweetest revenge I could ever ask for – after all that shit you put me through.”

I gave out a quick sigh and continued.

“What’s the matter? Why don’t you say anything? You’re supposed to be arguing your justifiable truth. Oh, you can’t – because of that filthy tube taped to your mouth. How does it feel to smell your stink everyday after your saliva has dried on your face? Does it shame you that someone else has to bathe you and wash your scat all over your sorry ass? You look good, Ethan. And I love the picture of you living to suffer.”

I saw teardrops run from the side of your eyes.

“Go ahead. Cry me a river, better yet, cry me the whole ocean. I wouldn’t give a damn. Nobody cares anyway. You think people pity you? No, dear. We think you’re despicable. We think you’re disgusting. You don’t deserve to be loved. What do you know about love? You’re not as smart as Forrest Gump.”

I was on the verge of crying myself out of anger and relief.

“You don’t know how good I feel to be here, looking down at you.”

With that I stared at you like a sharp lance piercing through your being. I felt released. I held your hand gently for the longest time I’ve held anyone’s hand. Then I wiped your tears and left.

Seven years later, I still have the note I wrote.

I miss you.

It’s been a while since I last saw you, since I last knew you. I wonder where you are, how you’ve been, who you’re with. I wonder…


4 responses to “Don’t Remember

  1. J.Kulisap

    February 23, 2010 at 7:46 am

    Kalhati lang niyan ineng, masustansya ka na.


    Mangarap, gawin, gumising na may nagbabago sa sarili para sa ikauunlad.

    Gandang umaga.

    Hula, hula…ano animal sign mo?

    • Carizza

      February 23, 2010 at 3:11 pm

      Masustansiya??? Ang labo naman ata. Haha.

      Animal sign? Sa Chinese? Snake ata. LOL.

  2. yiN

    February 22, 2010 at 10:18 am

    Whew. That was long but i held on to it. Ang saklap nung post pero ang sarap mo magkwento. Im’a read more. =p

    • Carizza

      February 22, 2010 at 5:38 pm

      HAHA, it’s the first time I wrote something like this. Minsan naisip ko masyado atang harsh. Haha. But WTH, it’s what springs from my emotions. Haha.


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