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Too much is going on inside my head.

15 Jan

Academics.
My trashed TOR.
Career Path.
Chemical Engineer.
Baggage.
Imbalance.

It’s just too much that I can’t list them all down in this massive space.

An ex-reader (always) suddenly pops up in my head. You can’t run away from your past, ei? But (struggling) to forget the past – does it mean to run away from it? Again, debates continuously go on inside my head.

My sweet, little monster. Slash that.

I had to miss class on the first week of class resumption. Bummer. Stupid foot. Stupid pavement. Stupid me… or maybe just clumsy, heavy me.

Job Fair. Resume. What the hell. How do I expect to land into a high-paying workplace if I can’t do well in this course? Why on earth am I in this department? What’s in store for a pretentious, Chemical-engineer who has flying RED colors on her transcript? Shit. Oops, I swore not to curse. promised.

Capricorn. What an eternal downer.

I’m so random.

Inconsistent.
Temptation should die in me. (Or I will die from this temptation.)

Moving on… to the next (useless) debates.

Weight issues. Erg. The root of my maximum insecurity. Old maid. Living alone. Dying alone. NO! I want to pass on my (remarkable) genetic traits to my future offspring! Am I even capable of producing one?

Friends.

Electoral process.
Driver’s license.

Seven Five days. In five days my mom will leave. It’s the start of living alone. What would happen to an untrained, domestic…student? Well, it’s only fair that she be off and relax for a while. She must not be tired, I know. Especially not after discovering a mass in her chest. What is it? I don’t (want to) know. I’m scared. But I SWEAR that I’d give up anything for her to be well again. Even if it means losing all my savings. Even if it means my left foot won’t heal. Or even being sick instead of her. I’m not afraid to die. I’m afraid of death though, death of the people I love. But I have faith she’s okay. And yes, she’s okay. In Jesus’ name, this, too, shall pass.

I’m a selfish bitch.
All that mechanisms, that ideas, that falsities – they were horsepoop. They were illusions. They were misleads. I believed, too, that I was always the martyr, but no! Everything I wished for others, even this time that I am praying for my mom, were all for my selfish interests! What did I give up for anyone? (Myself.) Nothing! Tch. Ass.

I prayed that God take away my pain. What pain? She has suffered and I didn’t care. But in Jesus’ name, she will be okay.

Still there’s too much going on inside my head.
But first I have to do my homework.

Stupid, selfish bitch.

 
8 Comments

Posted by on January 15, 2010 in pa rin.), Vague Posts (pa rin? Yep

 

8 responses to “Too much is going on inside my head.

  1. orville

    January 26, 2010 at 8:33 pm

    i like what’s written on top of this blog.. “never invest in your emotion” hehe… parang sa sinabi ko rin on one of my posts na.. “emotions cannot be trusted”

     
    • sapphire

      January 27, 2010 at 7:05 pm

      Actually, I’m a sucker for emotions.šŸ˜› Last year ko lang yan natutunan from my Philosophy teacher. At kasunod nga yung sayo. Emotions cannot be trusted.šŸ™‚

       
  2. Mr Alem Bong

    January 18, 2010 at 9:12 pm

    Isasama kita at ang iyong mom sa aking mga panalangin. Tandaan mo, isa ka na sa mga kaibigan ko dito sa online world, or sabihin na natin kahit sa tunay na mundo.

    Relax, take life easy and always pray. Lahat tayo malakas kay Bro, di lang si Santino. Harrr!

     
    • sapphire

      January 19, 2010 at 9:19 am

      Salamat sis! Salamat. Lumalakas ang loob ko sa mga panalangin niyo.

       
  3. alaehboi

    January 16, 2010 at 7:29 pm

    HELLO

     
  4. blurosebluguy

    January 16, 2010 at 12:00 am

    sapphire ganda naman name mo…gem ka ba? I know you are…kahit di mo aminin…

    daming mong sinabi…pero 100% sama ako sa yo sa pagdarasal sa mom mo! nag-iisa lang kaya yan sa mundong ito…

     
    • sapphire

      January 17, 2010 at 11:53 am

      Shucks. Salamat bluerosebluguy. You have no idea how much that means to me. You’re my new found angel. Grabe. Salamat talaga. Sobrang puno ang heart ko ng thanks sayo.

       

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