My trashed TOR.
It’s just too much that I can’t list them all down in this massive space.
An ex-reader (always) suddenly pops up in my head. You can’t run away from your past, ei? But (struggling) to forget the past – does it mean to run away from it? Again, debates continuously go on inside my head.
My sweet, little monster. Slash that.
I had to miss class on the first week of class resumption. Bummer. Stupid foot. Stupid pavement. Stupid me… or maybe just clumsy, heavy me.
Job Fair. Resume. What the hell. How do I expect to land into a high-paying workplace if I can’t do well in this course? Why on earth am I in this department? What’s in store for a pretentious, Chemical-engineer who has flying RED colors on her transcript? Shit. Oops, I
swore not to curse. promised.
Capricorn. What an eternal downer.
I’m so random.
Temptation should die in me. (Or I will die from this temptation.)
Moving on… to the next (useless) debates.
Weight issues. Erg. The root of my maximum insecurity. Old maid. Living alone. Dying alone. NO! I want to pass on my (remarkable) genetic traits to my future offspring! Am I even capable of producing one?
Seven Five days. In five days my mom will leave. It’s the start of living alone. What would happen to an untrained, domestic…student? Well, it’s only fair that she be off and relax for a while. She must not be tired, I know. Especially not after discovering a mass in her chest. What is it? I don’t (want to) know. I’m scared. But I SWEAR that I’d give up anything for her to be well again. Even if it means losing all my savings. Even if it means my left foot won’t heal. Or even being sick instead of her. I’m not afraid to die. I’m afraid of death though, death of the people I love. But I have faith she’s okay. And yes, she’s okay. In Jesus’ name, this, too, shall pass.
I’m a selfish bitch.
All that mechanisms, that ideas, that falsities – they were horsepoop. They were illusions. They were misleads. I believed, too, that I was always the martyr, but no! Everything I wished for others, even this time that I am praying for my mom, were all for my selfish interests! What did I give up for anyone? (Myself.) Nothing! Tch. Ass.
I prayed that God take away my pain. What pain? She has suffered and I didn’t care. But in Jesus’ name, she will be okay.
Still there’s too much going on inside my head.
But first I have to do my homework.
Stupid, selfish bitch.