This was originally entitled “The Aftermaths of A Breakup”, and I promised, too, that this is to be my last post about someone or something “else”, so I decided to adapt a more fitting prologue.
“We are inlove with love”, as I heard from a TV show this morning, and then I also recall a fellow at FW say, “Love is never outdated.” True enough, amidst the many circumstances that occur, still, it is love that is most interesting, most viewed, most written and talked about, and not to mention, most sought for. But love, in itself, is too broad, or maybe generic, and somehow, even though my recent posts have been almost perfectly personal, still there is no way to narrow down this topic. Maybe that’s how it is, we are indeed inlove with love.
Many of us, especially in this fast-paced generation, have at least once experienced a heartbreak. Whether it be a summer fling, a long-term romantic relationship, or even a hard-earned marriage, once the bond is broken and the lovers part ways, it’s almost all the time certain that either or both will be left with immense emotional damage.
What then happens after the breakup? We usually focus more on the loneliness we feel after losing the love we had and though it is said that you are allowed to grieve for half the time you spent together, still, it is more convenient that we do away with all those negative energy as soon as we can. But this post is not meant to help anyone, including myself, to recover because no one else can help us except our own friggin’ selves. Instead, I will only share with you what I’ve gone through, It is important that I use the past tense, because as I said, after I publish this, I will not again attempt to remember anything that happened with hopes that people who read this may reap something good.
Going back to the question earlier, what then happens after a breakup? I don’t exactly know. But I do know what happened to me in the aftermath.
The more-grief-strickening term for loneliness. During this period, there is not much but – well, emptiness – for the lack of a better term. It was during those days that I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t think of my good future alone. I watched myself throw my worth away. I wanted to just slash my throat because I thought slashing my wrist is just a vain attempt to get attention. That was the time that I found no reason to continue whatever I was pursuing, because the person I was doing it for is gone. It was like the world ended to me, for me, on me.
Soon enough, I found myself seeking revenge, or investing on my grudge to send out all the bad karma to him. “Gago ka, I will never forgive you ever. Hindi ka na magiging masaya, I swear.” Oh the childish devil in me. Somehow, all those loneliness transformed into evil. And that evil blinded me from all the goodness life without him has to offer. All I could do is to curse him every damn day. But never did I wish him ill like, “Mamatay ka na.” because I wanted him to experience what he put me through, after all, malakas ako sa karma. Hoho. And in time, it will all backfire on him fourfold.
This one should probably be the hardest stage to go through. It’s not loneliness, not hatred that I felt, maybe something in between, but I’m not sure. All I know is that this is the time that I finally let go of all hopes of being with him again. I must admit, no matter how strong that hatred was, I was sure as hell that if he asked for another chance, there was no doubt I’d hand it over to him that easily. And I try so hard to sink it in my system that we are not meant for each other as cliche as it seems, it was only recently that I believed it and that he is already gone. I simply just sighed him out of me.
All experiences leave room for realizations. It is in perfect timing that I realized now, before the year ends. Perhaps, it was also of perfect timing that we broke up this year. It’s hard to know for sure if it’s just the other three that I’m experiencing, but I’d like to think that these are in fact realizations, because my intentions are directed towards myself, for my own welfare. In the end, I pause to think that he is not the person I can be with. I have nothing against people who can not spell extinguisher correctly, who can not speak English very fluently, who are bad at math and the list can go on. But I can not just ignore the risk of building a family with the wrong person. I can not allow that my future children distrust their own father when asking help in their homeworks. I can not invest my future with a person who can not make decisions for himself because he is always on the safe side. I can only trust Him, yes I’m not devout enough to be talking like this because only He knows. I can only wait.
So to you who was part of my past, this will be my last message to you. Your slightest attempt to communicate with me will be ignored. Be disheartened, call me rude, I can no longer care. Would you blame me for finally letting you go? I can not, and will not wait for you. And if you decide you want to look for me, you won’t find me. Simply because I am not on that same spot where you left me, and I will never set foot on it. You have decided that you don’t need me, and I’ve realized that I do not need you. This doesn’t involve depression or grudge, even though you left me for another girl. In fact I am happy that you left me. I’m happy that you hurt me. I’m happy that you made me go through hell when forgetting you. Because in the end, you have only made me stronger. You have only made me better, for myself, for my future man. So thank you, and goodbye.
You will be forgotten, as soon as time ends 2009.