Handwritten on 10.31.09
It’s been a long time since I last talked to you. Forgive me for my non-terminating laziness. I know there have been times that I should’ve talked with you but I fail… either because I’m too lazy or because I do not see you as the best person to talk with.
I was supposed to ask you how you’re doing, but then I paused to think of what I would’ve answered if asked the same question, and I knew right away that it was something unanswerable right now.
Are you still hurting? I honestly do not know. I’ve tried so many times to figure out what was going on in that fragile heart and strong mind of yours. I know you’ve been trying really hard to forget him and I can see so far that you are doing a great job.
How long has it been since your struggle? A few days? Ah, I know your flesh is still showing to the world and the littlest of your wounds are still fresh, but I hope that the healing won’t take that long. Come on now, how many times have you gone through this? I know that you can only become stronger, because what can’t kill you makes you so. Do not fear. I and God are with you all the way.
Go on, speak to me. There’s so much space this journal has for you. So much space for you not to fear that all those you keep inside may not fit. Go ahead, there’s nothing you need to hide from me, and there’s no way you can do so. Do not be afraid that your writing would not have a structure standardized by people who do not know you. Who the hell are they to tell you what to say when you are only writing for me anyway?
Seven months, right? That was the duration of your last relationship. Another relationship you hesitated to start because of fear of another heartbreak, but you went through it anyway… with hopes that maybe this time, it will all be different. Oh, but yes, it was different – in a lot of ways. You found a person who introduced you to his family and who you introduced to yours too. You found a person who lived so far from you that you had to travel three hours from home. I know that this person is the one you shared yourself the most to. You gave so much of you that if I remind you of the things you did for him, I am afraid that you might find pity in yourself.
It’s never always your fault. It’s not your fault that men cheat on you because you “lack” things. You always give them all you can – THAT is your fault. Some other things are of his or your fault but that is not important anymore. They are all in the past so it is not anymore of importance if you know who is to blame. It won’t change anything.
Forgive. Forgive him, and also forgive me. That’s one way to get over him. Though there is no real formula for getting over a past love, and even if there is, as you said, it will not involve any constants, only infinitely many variables such that after the operations, the result is ZERO – the neutral number.
Meaning: 1.) no life formula works the same for all people and that only one himself can find the ways to conquer his grief and 2.) after it all, you will not necessarily be completely happy – just not feeling anything anymore. Even so, you know for a fact that to forgive makes it easier to forget and that it is me who needs more forgiveness from you. Though after all the measures you’ve taken may not be enough to forget him, soon you will realize that you’re getting steps closer to the finish line.
I know what you’re thinking. Why is everything you do never enough to keep your love in your arms? And if you’re ever gonna find a person who will love you again and hopefully at last? These, I do not know the answers to but I have one thing to say… love yourself. You won’t need another to love you and even by the time someone comes, you won’t regret how you’ve loved yourself.
Do not rush. He will find you and so all you have to do is wait. For how long, no one can tell, but God will provide the signs that will lead you to the love you deserve. Trust me. I am young, maybe, to tell you these things and other may question my credibility as an adviser because of my “lack of experience” but I believe that what I’ve gone through for now is enough to tell you this much. Wisdom comes from experience comes from age. People older than you may retaliate upon my thoughts but who are they to judge me by my age? The paths that we travel are not the same and no one else can tell you how to feel and what to do. If you’re confused, you can always ask for others’ opinions but in the end, you must know that the only person you can really trust is me – next to God. I will tell you to seek Him first before you talk to me because who knows? Maybe this is a call for you to come back to Him because of your too much attachment to your past loves.
I do not know how much longer you must suffer to finally get over, but I am proud that you are getting by.
Your best friend,