Today, for the first time in my entire life, I felt my heart inflict pain in itself because of too much anger. For the first time at all, I learned how it is to hate.
I hated everything. I hated myself. I hated others. I hated everyone.
So this is what it’s like, huh? To be hateful. To be mad. At first I thought it was good and fulfilling to finally feel! To be human! But at the very least, it’s just another reminder of how worthless I am to the world.
It’s highly unlikely of me to be such a mess as I am but right now I can not anymore think straight. It’s as if I were a pressurized vessel that just couldn’t take the slightest bit and finally burst. The danger in it is that the vessel itself is the one that takes all of the damage.
I do not know where I will end up after running away from home. True enough, right now I don’t care anymore. I wanted everything to be over. My heart ache, my academic failures, my vendetta that runs solely in the bloodline I am from. It is just too much to handle. I do not reserve the right to complain of this fecal life I have at twenty years old and my rationality at the back of my mind is growing more stubborn at trying to convince me that to veer away from all these is far from being an option. Yet it is all too late. I have done away with that rationality, I threw away all my sense of reason and flew away from the family that I once had. But really, I don’t care anymore.
I don’t care about what happens to me. I’m pretty sure that it’s just a matter of time until I run out of money to spend on food and lodging. After that, I will basically be nothing left. Not so much different from the worthlessness I am to this day.
I don’t care anymore. If people don’t care about me then what reasons do I have to care for myself? It will only imbibe self-pity. It will only demoralize my character. It will only make me madder.
What am I really? If this is what it takes to be called human, then I’d rather be dead.
I would’ve wanted to be dead, really. But I’m not sure how I wanna die. So I just hope that on the first night I am sleeping out in the open, I will not have to wake anymore to the bitterness of this human’s life.