Now, now. How do I start this?
I’m always bad at starting something, as well as ending it – that’s what I always thought. In fact, I don’t remember how this started, and perhaps, the only ending I thought I fully understood was ours.
As usual, my writings will give birth to yours which will “force” me to write another, but not anew. And that’s why I chose to name this “Automatic Response”. To think that I was so sure that the last post was going to be the last.
You never really fail to amaze me. Because of that, I dislike you. I chose dislike instead of hate, because you know too well that that word does not apply to you. Or maybe me. Anyway, I dislike the thought of still finding things that make you amaze me, that make me like you.
Too much words are running through my head, and it’s hard enough to spill them out all at once. So forgive me if there’s no link between the last line and the next. But I don’t think I have to worry. You always understand anyway. Yes, you always understand.
This is rather a late post, and very insensitive. The country’s in a state of calamity yet I couldn’t care less but to answer your “straightforward post”.
I wouldn’t say it met my requirements of being straightforward, but oh well, that’s not the issue.
Let’s take this in the order of your paragraphs.
First, about that line. You never really thought about it, ei? I guess we really don’t pay much attention to things that don’t have much importance to us, which is why I especially drew the line between us – not because I knew you wouldn’t but because I figured I should. The line that needed to be visible, the line that I should not cross. After all, it was the manifestation of what you asked for. That invisible line was the boundary between me and the “yourself” you told me you needed to look for.
Next, it’s a cliche to tell me that I know you very well. But I have anyway believed that… until the line was drawn. It was the significance that I don’t know you anymore. It was then I realize, the line was utterly meant to be there, to remind me that starting then, there must be a respect of one’s individualism that you, oh, so begged me to give you, or better yet to give up to you. It was also the reminder that you – who is now on the other side of this line – are not someone I know anymore. Because if I did, I would’ve known so much… so much that would’ve saved me from all of this. But I would commend you for mentioning that I was the only person who understood you, because back then, I wanted to be the best friend you could have, I wanted to be the first to know, I wanted to be……………. too much for you. I must’ve tried and succeeded too much, that eventually I failed.
Now for the attachment. This is all too easy. If I thought wrong, then I would just succumb myself to my restrained but very high hopes of being with you again. And the slightest mistake and misuse of words from you will break the chains that suppress these stubborn hopes of mine. So please, choose your words very, very carefully.
For the next paragraphs, my reply would be as follows.
Well, that was originally what I wanted to say, but being the unyielding person I am, I cannot help but let these emotions take their toll on the next words. Ah, it’s so nice to write.
Actually, what I want to say is – there is no more I have to tell you, because I know somewhere, before the line was finally drawn, I’ve already said it all. Or, you have said it all when you said GOODBYE. Oh, but there’s no bitterness while I’m telling you this. To be honest, I feel nothing but – nothing. Haha. I wanted this to sound formal, but now, the composure I had at the beginning of this post has now been totally disturbed. Just because of the words I never wanted to hear from you again.
I also thought that when you leave, I’d stay on the same spot where you left me until you come back. Then I thought again, there’s no crossing the line that you wanted and asked me to draw in the first place. I thought you’d never come back, and still I won’t keep my hopes up so you need not worry about me, and please stop saying sorry because it only makes me feel worse.🙂 Apart from that, I thought that one day, if you really come back, I would be the one to take off because I wanted to see you there from a distance, waiting for me ON THE LINE, ready to cross it – but of course, that will all be fiction.
I would also honestly say that all the things you said in well-formed paragraphs are all too vague for me. Coming from you… I guess the only times I understood you were when you talked to me. Right now, I’m oblivious to what you mean. I think I’d just have to let them settle themselves when the right time comes… when “you completely erase something we can’t see that hurts us both“ and when “I finally become able to face you with a really strong will”.
The freedom you have now was not something I gave you because you asked me. It was something you took yourself from me. Coming to think of it, I never gave you that freedom, because even when you wanted to go and leave, I asked if I could come, and you answered no. Because of course, you were going off to go for “wrong person with the right incentive”. It came to me then that I gave you no freedom, but you took what was rightfully mine… the freedom to go with you and stay with you. Maybe that’s how I ended up drawing the line… the line that kept me away from you.
I wanted this to be the very last post I’d ever give you, but still there are lots of questions that may arise. And I also don’t blame you for anything, so you might as well not blame yourself either. Remember when I said, all these is now left in the past, and you’d always say, remember but don’t brood.
In the long run, however, what is it that we have left?