I know I’m a little late, and I know I’ve missed more important things to blog about, but what can I do. I am only so fragile inside.
Today I realized how bad I am at love. And how bad I am on myself. I love someone, so much, perhaps too much that I forget to draw the line between love as an inspiration, and love as a desperation.
I don’t even know why. He’s not much, not even close to what I am, neither to how much I have, regardless, I’m in love. And I think, I lost it. I’m too much in love.
I have always been weak at this. I know I’m a relationship starter, as much as I am a saver, but I have not thought of how I’ve rapidly erased myself, devalued myself, for the sake of keeping this love alive. Until now, I am caught at a cloud of thoughts, more like confusions that ring over and over again in my head. I know I’ve given up too much, I’ve given up too many that I shoudn’t have had, that should’ve been what I take more important, what I couldn’t take back and yet, I don’t bother much. I wanted this love, and I decided to keep it, no matter what it takes.
But until when should I do this? Until when should I sacrifice? Until when should I give? And when can I have back?
He has much to offer, though little compared to mine, and for that I hate myself, for not seeing through, for allowing myself to be taken for granted.
Today I admit, he’s not the best I ever had. I could even say, he’s one of the mediocrity I had – those who stayed for experience, for pleasure, for fun, but not entirely for love. I admit, he is small compared to my greatest love, the one I had for so long because we both worked it out.
I used to hate that past love for bringing too much misery on me when it ended. But I will not deny that it was the one which lasted because there was always two hands joined together.
The one I’m keeping now is special, because it made me feel things I hadn’t before, which may also be the reason why I can not let it go. But I know for myself, it won’t be long until one of us runs out of reason to hold on.
But until it does, I hope I get back something, even the least of what I’ve given.